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I always feel that it is important for me, as a spiritual person, to share with others that I am not always perfect. That I too have struggles that only make me stronger. This one of those stories I wanted to share.
Four years ago today, while I was living in Tampa, Florida, I woke up to the worst panic attack of my life. I remember getting up, shaking, numb, and unable to move. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to comprehend what was happening to my body and mind. It felt like a switch had been flipped in my brain, sending my flight response into overdrive. This marked the beginning of the most terrifying and traumatic depressive episode I have ever experienced. I felt like I had forgotten how to do everything. I remember getting into my car, and everything around me seemed to grow larger and close in on me. I attempted to drive, but as I pulled out, it felt like I had forgotten how to operate the vehicle. I had to stop and go back inside. The following weeks were a blur of sleep and exhaustion, with constant dark thoughts fluttering through my mind. I could barely eat and felt like an empty shell. Thankfully, my primary care physician was amazing, and I found a psychiatrist who, even though I had to pay out of pocket, helped me get on the right medications. It took me a full six months to recover from that depressive episode. It felt like my brain had been damaged, and my neurons needed time to heal. To this day, I gauge the severity of my depressive episodes against that experience in June 2020. While I’ve had other episodes since, nothing compares to that time. I remind myself of my strength and resilience, knowing that I never let the darkness consume me. I kept fighting and ultimately won, and I will always continue to fight and win. Remembering the Struggle and Celebrating the Victory Though I've had other episodes, nothing compares to the darkness I faced in June 2020. That time in my life serves as a benchmark for my resilience and strength. I remind myself daily that I never allowed that darkness to pull me under. I never allowed it to win. I kept fighting, and I won. And I will always win. Finding Hope and Strength If you are struggling with depression, remember that you are not alone. Seek help, reach out to professionals, and lean on your support network. It's a tough battle, but with determination and the right support, you can overcome it. Keep fighting, and know that you have the strength to win.
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Many of you have been wondering where I have been. I am now living in Richmond, VA with my husband and my menagerie. I have pretty much dipped out of the dance scene, save only for Snake Charming and I am entering the Crone phase of my life. I am after many years of struggling, redefining my identity. In October of 2023 I lost one my best friends and belly dance colleagues. Her passing really forced me to reevaluate my life and the idea of self-identity. My life had changed so much since living in Boston and I had lost so much of “who” I was when I left. I was trying so hard to recreate what I had in Boston and would find myself in depressive episodes when it never happened.
After many years, I have accepted that I have changed and shed my skin into a new identity. That of an artist and author. As the proprietress of Snake and Bone, I am enjoying the creative process of making new pieces for the shop. I have also written my third book and am currently working on my fourth as well as a secret project! I am excited to start vending in Richmond and beyond, bringing Snake and Bone out to the public where I can share not only my jewelry, but my handmade oils, incense and Spirit Bottles! One thing I have also been focusing on is the Tarot. I have been reading Tarot since I was 13, however, I never focused on them as spiritual tools. I have become a member of the Tarosophy Association and have been taking their in-depth courses on the Tarot and their spiritual significance. Needless to say, while I am not the Zehara I was 10 years ago---I am still Zehara, just on a new journey! Tarot cards have long been a tool for divination, self-reflection, and guidance. Traditionally, they are used to gain insights into various aspects of life, including relationships, career, and personal growth. However, one often overlooked aspect of tarot readings is how the cards can reveal issues with the querent—the person seeking the reading—rather than just focusing on the person in question or the external situation.
The Mirror of the Soul Tarot cards function as a mirror, reflecting the inner state of the querent. Each card holds a multitude of meanings, which can be interpreted in various ways depending on the context of the question and the querent's current life circumstances. When a querent asks about another person, the cards can often shed light on the querent's own feelings, biases, and influences to the situation. This reflective quality makes tarot an invaluable tool for self-awareness, personal growth and self-empowerment. Projection and Perception One psychological concept that explains this phenomenon is projection. Projection occurs when individuals attribute their own thoughts, feelings, or motivations to another person. In the context of a tarot reading, the cards can highlight these projections, helping the querent understand how their perceptions and emotions might be coloring their view of the situation. For instance, if a querent draws cards indicating betrayal or mistrust while asking about a partner, it may reflect the querent's own fears or insecurities rather than the partner's actions. The Role of the Tarot Reader The tarot reader plays a crucial role in interpreting the cards and guiding the querent to a deeper understanding of the reading. An experienced reader can help the querent see beyond the surface meanings of the cards and explore how their own thoughts and behaviors might be influencing the situation. By gently questioning and providing insights, the reader can encourage the querent to reflect on their own role in the issue at hand. Common Cards Reflecting Inner Issues Certain tarot cards are particularly indicative of issues within the querent: The Hanged Man: This card often suggests a need for a change in perspective. When it appears, it can indicate that the querent needs to consider how their own viewpoint might be contributing to the problem. The Moon: Associated with illusions and subconscious fears, The Moon can point to hidden anxieties or misconceptions the querent may have about the person in question. The Devil: While often interpreted as external temptations or bindings, The Devil can also signify internal struggles, such as unhealthy attachments or negative patterns of behavior within the querent. Five of Cups: This card reflects grief, loss, and focusing on the negative. Its appearance might suggest that the querent is too fixated on past disappointments, affecting their current relationships or situations. Using Tarot for Self-Reflection For those using tarot cards for self-reflection, it's essential to approach readings with an open mind and a willingness to look inward. Here are some tips: 1. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking, "Is my partner unfaithful?" consider asking, "What can I do to improve my relationship?" This shifts the focus from blaming others to personal growth. 2. Journal Your Readings: Keeping a tarot journal helps track patterns and recurring themes. Over time, this can reveal underlying issues and personal growth areas. 3. Reflect on Emotional Responses: Pay attention to your immediate emotional reactions to the cards. Strong reactions can indicate areas that need deeper exploration. 4. Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, an outside perspective can provide clarity. Consulting with a professional tarot reader can offer additional insights and support. Tarot cards are more than just a tool for predicting the future or understanding others; they are a profound instrument for self-discovery. By reflecting on the querent's own issues, thoughts, and emotions, tarot readings can promote greater self-awareness and personal growth. Embracing this reflective aspect of tarot can lead to more meaningful insights and, ultimately, a more empowered and enlightened approach to life's challenges. The Tarot AddictSince the age of 13, I have been reading Tarot Cards and started professionally reading them when I was in my twenties. I have done both private and corporate events as well as reading for clients who found me via my website or picked up one of the many business cards I leave lying around whenever I am out and about.
I have my regulars. The ones I read for on a regular basis. Usually every three to six months or so. However, since the pandemic started last year, I have begun to notice a trend in my clients that I actually had to put the breaks on. Maybe it was the lockdowns, the unemployment worries, the constant bombardment of news that left everyone in a state of constant anxiety. I can't say that I myself was not affected by the pandemic stress. Whatever it was, I noticed that some people were becoming Tarot addicts. They wanted a reading every week or month. At first, I didn't think much of it. Different issues needing some guidance. But there was more to it. There was this weird sense of urgency and need. I realized, that receiving Tarot readings had become a type of drug for some people. It was an itch they needed to scratch. It wasn't that they were asking for guidance--it was that they were feeling unable to make a rational decision for small problems. Or needed to hear that, what they knew was the right thing to do, from someone else. It was unhealthy. I felt like I was becoming a drug dealer feeding a habit. Except for their drug of choice was my beloved Tarot deck! I knew inherently, that COVID-19 was partially to blame for this. When we were struck with the pandemic, it left us all in a state of unknowingness. We all needed some direction in a future that seemed blinded by doubt. Since then, I have had to set clear boundaries with all my clients, past, present, and future. For starters, no new readings on a new issue for a month. If you come to me for a reading on a specific issue, you need to wait three months before I do another reading on it. Three months is enough time to see if things pan out. As always, I tell my clients' readings are not set in stone. They offer guidance on a situation only. They are not predictions for the future and things can always change. I also offer spell work -- if in three months, things don't work out or you need more guidance-- I am happy to do another reading on the issue. The truth is, as a Tarot Reader, I am not helping anyone by feeding their addiction. Some would see it as a monetary loss. But I believe as a reader, I am here to offer assistance, and by filling a void by doing constant readings for the same person for the same issue--I am not doing anyone any favors. Yeah, sorry .... no. The words "medium" and "mediumship" get tossed around way too much nowadays with nearly everyone with some type of claire-psychism claiming to be a medium. You may be a psychic-- but you are not a medium. I am not saying real, genuine mediums do not exist. They do. Absolutely. I just do not believe that they exist to the point where there are many of them that you can type in the word medium and pull up thousands of results. And people claiming to be mediums may have psychic abilities but they are not true mediums.
I discuss this in my book "Grave Spirits." There are three types of psychics: Clairaudient (means you can hear the dead), clairsentient (you can feel the dead), and clairvoyant (you can see the dead). Unless you have ALL three--- you are NOT a medium. You can have one or two. But you need all three to be a medium. It is why I have never in my life claimed to be a medium. When people hear the word medium, they immediately think of big names like John Edwards and James Van Praagh. Both of whom, I have seen in person and both of whom I can say are true mediums. It is not ok to toss around the word medium. And the reason is simple. It brings false hope to those who need reconciliation. Imagine the pain of losing someone close. I recently lost my mother in law who was single handly one of the most influential women in my entire life. If I were not already connected to her in a spiritual way and did not have a healthy relationship with death, you better believe that I would be reaching out to anyone who said they were a medium to get in contact with her. And what about those families who have lost a child to murder or suicide? Claiming the word medium is claiming a major responsibility. It's more than just stating whether or not someone Uncle Joe left them a thousand dollars in a box in the attic somewhere. It's claiming that you can literally without a doubt, 99% communicate clearly with the dead. As a clairsentient, I feel the dead. I feel their presence. They will send me impressions of things-- like the feeling of wearing a sweater or impress upon me the feeling of love or anger. I can pass that message onto someone. But I can not hear them directly or see them. Therefore, I am not a medium. Frankly, I do not want to be a medium. I do not want that responsibility. And if you are not a medium, you should not want it either. On August 20, 2021, despite being vaccinated, I tested positive for Covid-19. I have asthma. The first two days were frightening as I was coughing and having difficulty breathing. I thought for sure I would end up in the hospital. However, the dreams began.
I am no stranger to fevers. I was sick constantly as a child, and having chronic asthma, I am prone to yearly bouts of bronchitis. But Covid fevers are high and mighty. My temperature ran anywhere between 101 to 103F. Sometimes Tylenol would help, sometimes it did nothing. I would lay in bed sweaty and disgusting and ultimately slip into a feverish slumber But I was never alone. For seven consecutive days, I would have the same dream, but different scenarios. I was in a cave, where, I am not sure. There were seven Shamans with me. The Shamans were all from different cultures: A Native American, an African, a Siberian, a Japanese, an Australian, a Celtic, and a Germanic. Only three spoke directly to me: the Native American, an older man with a large nose, wrinkly face, and long braided gray hair, the Siberian, an older woman with no teeth dressed in deer skins, and the African a thin gaunt man with glasses. I was partially naked in the cave, only wearing underwear. I was filthy, caked in mud and dirt. I was cold and I remember how badly I just wanted to be clean. But they told me I could not be clean. Not yet anyway. The dreams were strange. Every night they were different. One night, I dreamt that they made me lay in a mud-shaped egg. It was cold and damp. I had to be in there, quiet. I remember clearly hearing the water dripping in the cave. I wanted to leave. "You are not ready to leave," the Siberian woman said. So I stayed in the mud egg, shivering. However, the scariest and strangest part of the dreams was towards the end of my illness. The part that sticks with me the most and has left me still, in a weird state. I have always been able to communicate with the dead. I have always been able to "see" the other side. But what the Shamans showed me in my dreams was not what I have ever seen. After my fevers went away and weeks after my illness, a part of me still feels like I am not completely in our world "You must go," the Native American said to me, as he pointed to this hole in the cave floor. It was small and I remember being scared. I did not want to go. But he insisted. I had to go, even if I did not want to go. My muddy dirty and cold body shimmied down the hole and I was hit with the smell of death. This was not the spirit world that I am used to seeing. It was not the spirit world I deal with daily. This was not the land of the Ancestors that I work with. This was altogether something darker. People were trying to pull themselves out but could not. The sludge prevented them. The dark black oozing sludge. I suddenly felt pulled back up and was back in the cave with the Shamans. The Siberian woman was laughing, and then placed her palm, covered in red, onto my chest, leaving a red handprint over my heart. The Native American man said, "Now you can go." "What if my fever comes back?" I said. For some reason, I had this fear--if my fever comes back, I am going to have to go back to the scary place from whence I was just was. "It's not going to come back," he said smiling. I woke up. After seven days, my fever had finally broken. But, 20 days later, I still do not feel right. A part of me is still in that cave. A part of me is still in that dark murky place. Was I supposed to see that place to understand that not all spirits move on to the place of the Ancestors? Why didn't the other Shamans speak to me? What is the lesson I was meant to learn? |
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