I am a Scorpio. For those unaware, here is a brief synopsis:“Scorpio is the emotional dynamo of the Zodiac. No stranger to the subconscious mind, he reads the hidden motives of others with ease. You may see the Scorpio frowning with a deep hurt inside, or smiling delightedly with some secret knowledge. A keen observer of human nature he fears no enemy, because Scorpio sees all danger and knows the weaknesses of his opponents. To be his friend is to have the bravest ally, the fiercest fighter on your side. To cross him can be deadly. Scorpio is in tune with the forces of life and death, sexuality, birth, dramatic changes, danger, catastrophe and the powerful forces of man and nature. His ruling planet, Pluto, is associated with atomic power and the criminal underworld.The Scorpio is fascinated with anything that offers complete transcendence – spirituality, the occult, ecstatic or thrilling physical states or a complete renovation of some part of his life. To him, these experiences are like a rebirth. They make him feel alive because they give him the spiritual and emotional regeneration he needs.Scorpio is passionate and intense with loved ones. He values loyalty and bravery above all. He can be secretive, but is very open with his most trusted friends.”
I am run a full gamut of emotions and moods, but typically, I am full of life, the social butterfly. Except when I get flooded with what I call my “ecstatic state of ecstasy” –where noise literally disrupts my life. I need silence. I can not speak. Its almost like walking in a dream state. These moments can last days or weeks. Sometimes only a mere hour. I am completely in a zone of creative zen. Where ideas flow through me. My creative surges flourish and grow.
Its often when I am in one of these moods, that people are confused by my mental state. I don’t talk, I don’t want to engage conversation. I am physically in my body, though my spirit is elsewhere. They may speak, but I do not answer. I am channeling the spiritual creative force flowing through me. Noise is painful. I remember as a child, I would lock myself in my room for hours, sometimes missing dinner, just to write. Poetry. Short stories. I couldn’t mingle with my family. Disruptive energy not vibrating on the same level interrupts the flow. Negativity interrupts the flow. Noise is painful. It was not uncommon for me to write 10 poems in an hour during these moments. My parents took it as a rebellious child. I was just feeling the power of the creative force.
“The Scorpio is fascinated with anything that offers complete transcendence – spirituality, the occult, ecstatic or thrilling physical states or a complete renovation of some part of his life. To him, these experiences are like a rebirth”
Rebirth. In my quiet state I enter a path of rebirth. My dancing forms a story of what is hidden in my soul. No longer just a dance. My writing evolves. My ideas are born. My spirit reaches new heights. And I find myself standing alone.
As I grew older, it became easier. “Speak to me but don’t expect an answer.”
However, things changed when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. My moments of creative bliss would be disrupted by anxietal trigger. Something that would send my brain and body into a tizzy. The ageless “flight or fight response.” My creative surges would get bundled up and thrown into a corner, piled underneath piles and piles of stress and negativity. When they would spurt, I would be to exhausted, or they wouldn’t last long enough for an idea to full emerge.
Emergence is key. When I started to seriously delve deeper into my spirituality (brought on primarily by my Shamanic based show ANIMUS) and in-conjunction with weekly therapy sessions, I have learned when my creative surges are coming and how to access them longer.
People who have known me for a long time, are aware of this. People who don’t know me, don’t understand. And the truth is, I feel no need to change who I am during these surges to better accommodate those around me. Its the role of the Lonely Sage. If there were a cave for me to go to and work until the creativity fully released itself, then I would go there. But I live in the city. My studio, my bedroom, those are my caves. Its where I work. I think the hardest thing, is for people who are not deeply involved in their own spiritual and creative selves, to understand what this mood is.
This past creative surge has left me exhausted, I have been writing non stop, ideas swimming in my head. Show ideas of ANIMUS are forming, images for paintings are forming. And they all are fighting to come out. In the end, I am exhausted, tired. My spiritual energy spent of physically extracting these bits of myself out.
I nurture. I grow. I live. I am free. Walking a lonely path of my spiritual destiny to become the person The Universe intended me to be. We are all great things, waiting for great things to emerge. Even the dark Scorpio.